My Situation (A List of Eleven)

Note: I haven't done a list post for quite a while--it's a form that allowed me to find a way into using this space creatively again about six months ago, after a long break from writing, so I'm partial to it. It occurred to me while writing the last post that I might have avoided some of the semantic circling with a list, but rather than recase that piece, I think I'll just start fresh.
  1. My situation is that I have been diagnosed with a form of kidney cancer that they tell you up front does not have a cure.
  2. But they also tell you that you can have an extended period of health with treatment.
  3. I am undergoing treatment. This consists of taking a particular drug for three months with two weeks off the drug twice during the period of treatment. The side-effects are not bad. At the moment, sleepiness when I'd like to be awake & insomnia (sometimes) when I'd like to be asleep.
  4. Because the tumor spread into my left hip, I have trouble walking without support, so I use a walker. I would like to graduate to a cane, which would give me a lot more mobility. I also spend most of my time sitting up in bed & though it is no longer very difficult to get up & down, I am slow & being slow when one is used to being fast is frustrating.
  5. I have to the best of my ability taken care of financial & other arrangements so as to make, when the time comes, a responsible exit from this life.
  6. I increasingly find myself entertaining notions of rebirth that I would have rejected as infantile wish-fulfilment only a few months ago.
  7. I am not really afraid of death, but I fear the loss of autonomy that accompanies modern, technological medical care; at the same time, I am grateful that I have access to that care. I have does as much as possible to insure my wishes are observed when I can no longer express myself.
  8. But I have been feeling a good deal of regret lately over things I had wanted to do that have been moved off the board. I have to use the markers that remain on the board & that has engendered some resentment.
  9. I am not much interested in distractions & entertainment, but I am deeply attached to my ability to continue to work at making poems & engaging the world through writing. Reading still feels worthwhile--both as a higher form of distraction & as education.
  10. The only other things that interest me deeply these days is talking to people--close friends I've had for a long time, mere acquaintances & everyone in between. I find people's conversation endlessly worthwhile. The most worthwhile of all, though, is the conversation of friends. I am fortunate to have friends & to have them close enough that they can drop by to talk.
  11. No list, by its very nature, can be exhaustive; yet anyone's situation contains an infinite number of potential items. This list, like any list, is a kind of snapshot of my situation. I apologize to any friends reading this who might be bothered by a certain frankness in some of the items, but this is where I am now. I have been feeling a little depressed & frustrated & resentful & regretful over the last few days. One way I deal with these states of mind / body is to write about them.
 

Author: jd

Joseph Duemer is Professor of Literature Emeritus at Clarkson University in northern New York state. His most recent book of poems is Magical Thinking from Ohio State University Press. Since the mid-1990s he has spent a good deal of time in Vietnam, mostly Hanoi. He lives with his wife Carole & five terriers (four Jack Russells & one Patterdale) on the stony bank of the Raquette River in South Colton.

7 thoughts on “My Situation (A List of Eleven)”

  1. Hi Joe, I’m sorry I haven’t written before; Mady and Jim spread word of your situation some time ago. Hang in there, old friend. I know scaling back is the hardest thing in the world. But we all appreciate reading your thoughts, and are keeping you in ours.

  2. Maybe three weeks ago I mailed off to you (at yr po box 362, South Colton 13687-0362) color xeroxes of the 2 art work collages you sent us in recent weeks that Richard has framed and look so swell). It occurs to me you use now your home address. Ed

    1. Well, Paul, it doesn’t always feel so level from the inside, but thanks. Writing about it makes it easier, for me, anyway, to keep some perspective.

Comments are closed.